Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Pushing fear through internal vines
Anger frothing, of every kind
Pained for love, will: undefined
Epic path that I profess
Unteachable care, among my mess
The secret meaning, found in one's chest
Of spirit divine that I long to possess
Hiding frail, among the strong
Everyone, everything, anything, with whom I bond
The envelope of the future will place me where I want to belong
Dying on the inside, a fighter of the throng
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Dependence leads to more dependence.
independence leads to more independence and eventually isolation at an extreme, but if one can attain a higher mental plane regarding independence one might be able to create some sort of medium that does well to satisfy a small part of the primal instinct but does well to do something else?
However if we do get to a presumed "higher level" there are some questions to ask:
What is our new purpose?
What now, becomes instinct?
Do normal human protocols and behavior still apply?
How do we now justify our actions? What are our actions geared towards? (question 1)
And the vague, Do we know any more about ourselves than we did previously?
I realize many more questions do apply to us, and I'll do my best to address more of them through my thinking.
Despite the incredibly esoteric introduction, I think that a majority of the population lives and thinks on a primal level. In animal behavior, we can see that animals need four basic things: Air, Water, Food, Shelter. However I would maintain that another large part of living, on an animalistic level, would be the desire to mate. This desire to mate develops animals as much more than creatures fighting to survive (to some extent). Rather, there is a very large world that erupts from the single desire of wanting to mate.
Upon writing that last clause, I've come to a realization that the way humans act the way they do, or at least one of the prime reasons humans are so different (in their behaviors, and maybe to some extent appearances) are not necessarily because of the environment (I'm referring to first world cultures), however they are so different because of the way they choose to interact with the opposite sex. There are several methods of interaction that can be seen between men and women, based on culture, age, and environment. I think that what I'd like to explore is the fact that we've created a complex culture based on an innate desire that inherently affects most of our actions, and what we can do to try to explore paths that would lead us to pursue a less innate desire to the extent that we've already pursued and innate primal desire. And also ask the question, is this even possible?
It would be beneficial for one to use the existence of another in order to forward their own cause, meaning that they have decided to do something great, or very difficult, to support or help someone else that they know. But the true test I think, is to do something beneficial for ones self, because of their own self. I find that becoming the reason for your own greatness is extremely difficult, and that's why we see so little of it in all parts of the earth. One can see several instances of greatness due to the fact of environmental features (necessity to get out of a dangerous place), also, due to parental figures "instilling" greatness in an individual by conditioning. Though it may seem that I am getting off track, its still apparent, that the higher mental plane, is not achieved by any of the individuals that have done something because of themselves, rather than features or people around them. An interesting question to investigate would be when one person begins to do something for themselves after they have left their own parental or environmental control. Another important thing to investigate would be whether or not these instances of greatness appear on a global scale. To be more clear, one could do something for themselves but not achieve as high as one who has been doing it for someone (or some other reason) else. I think the truly developed individual, who has reached the higher plane is one who has done something for themselves and achieved the highest echelon of greatness in their field, and continues to do so, and goes further whenever they approach their field.
It seems, from all of the above that it would be wisest to get in touch with those who have, by the terms I've defined, reached that upper echelon, and higher plane, however I can think of few who have achieved this. The only ones that come to mind (most likely because of my lack of knowledge regarding such people), is Michael Jordan, or Warren Buffet.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
In the background: "Blue Eyes" - Cary Brothers.
I feel warm, uncomfortably numb. Useless. Been studying all day. Still wanting that one piece of me that's missing. Gave it some thought though, I'm not dying, in jail, or anything. I've really got nothing to worry about. Except for my education... I need a vacation. Finals is in full swing, and lucky for me I have so much yet to do its infuriating. I don't know if its because of the illness, but I've been depressed again. Slept for an incredible 13 hours last night for no reason. What do you do when life's kicking your ass?
I don't know. Keep plugging away, that's what the shiny optimist would say. You'll do great! Work hard! Yeah, okay, lets' do that!
I need a nap. Maybe caffeine? Lets try that option.
In other news, I leave back home for a week. Where I can come back to some possible familial stability. We'll see what happens, knowing how this week is going, I can look forward to a broken head due to finals. I don't understand how people can get by or justify themselves with average grades. I guess I should ask myself that question, I never prepare enough for the occasion at hand, and on the occasion that I do, I still get rocked. I don't know what this means, but it begs the question: Whats the point of studying?
Enter the Bi-Polar, the soft implication of yourself. Which side is right? Does it even matter? What does this have to do with becoming a doctor? Absolutely nothing, lets get that going. Here I come Standford Med. Its game time.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Fire. Flavor. Function.
Entombed in hate.
Sterile field of wonder and hope.
Angered mobs, confusion.
Honest cause in a hardened soulless entity.
Where do your powers lie now, God?
Its mass irrigates itself.
Shadow, undertones, realization.
A soothing calm wipes over the parasite’s beak.
Injection not necessary.
Compilation of confusion in a clean room.
A soft breath whispers its narcissistic cry.
Wounds make our lives worth living.
Sleek and shining in its metallic grace.
Cool and confident, calculating and compensating.
Its image will save the world, the portable cure.
The recklessness of the rich waste its potential,
those who can barely afford address the questions of the world through its alphabetical interface.
It is my tool.
I manipulate, communicate and pontificate through this implement.
A triumvirate of glass human virtue.
If my life could speak for itself, where would my memory lie?
Who better than a slighted individual to evaluate its intermittent self?
Selfish in time. Hero of induced glory. Praised by the stupid. Closed off and negative.
Qualities that define me feign my existence.
I am a fresco.
My weathered surfaces will crumble, and my crevices will become more apparent.
Who better than I to evaluate my intermittent self.
Triangulating and small minded.
Poles and roles apparent in my step and seizure.
Who better than…
Who am I?
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I think like pride defines us in a lot of ways, it shows self control, confidence, respect, among other positive virtues. However pride is also what constitutes the stubborn. I hate the stubborn. And for the record, this is very hypocritical, as I know myself that I am stubborn, but this isn't necessarily about me.
I just today recently spoke to a neighbor of mine who was a good friend for the longest time during my childhood. He, like almost everyone in suburbia has turned to weed and alcohol as an escape from, something. There are so many things it could, be, mediocrity, failure, lack of ambition. This kid wasn't normal to begin with. He was a prodigy in every sense of the word regarding sports and music. A great baseball player, and a self taught guitarist, pianist, and drummer. The potential he had had was palpable. Academics didn't seem to be a strong point for him, but it wasn't due to lack intelligence, it was lack of effort. Maybe school was boring, I'm not sure. But despite that setback, this guy was amazing, and we spent time hanging out daily, until I moved north across the river. I was 9, he was probably the same age. I transitioned into the new life pretty well. It was boring knowing no one and nothing. I rarely saw my friend anymore. It sucked, I wasn't happy. Never how he felt though, well I guess that's besides the point.
I've always had this impulse to be a helper to the people around me, both family and friends, more friends that family mostly. I'd first heard about a negative turn that my friend was taking a few years after I had moved away. It was shocking to me, but I didn't really make an effort to do anything about it. I was caught up in the newness that was my surroundings. Making new friends was also high on the agenda. And it wasn't obvious that those who had been left behind had any clear intention of staying in touch. If they had, one might expect a phone call, or something to that extent. After all it wasn't the dark ages. Be that as it was, a certain moving on occurred during this separation, and it never occurred to me during that time period that the dynamic, in any sort of way, would shift away from what it previously was. I guess I made the first manuever, as I created a competitive arena regarding academics, which was clearly not the focal point of the relationship prior to separation. Its interesting, I guess what was previously in place was a relationship purely based on hanging out and doing whatever came to mind, it was childish as ages warranted of course, but still, nothing that affected the future ever really came to mind or was discussed. Also, it seemed that physical prowess was more important than mental prowess, thereby making the domain of our connection more strongly favored towards his strengths than mine. Even so, with that being the case, one should take into account that the demeanor that we both held never was consciously, in my mind, holding one of us more dominating than the other.
Maybe that's the most important part of early friendships, where both of the individuals are equals, and they aren't old enough, generally, to create some sort of dominating effect relationship wise. Its funny though, cause we even consider such a relationship in which one is commanding over another, childish, when in effect, a relationship of such a nature could be quite the opposite. One could say that the more childish one is, the much more likely one is to have a dynamic where both parties are fair and equal. Maybe I was just lucky.
Be that as it may, the fact that such a shift occurred, was devastating. It hit me pretty hard, and it hurt. I felt like I was extending a helping hand to someone who was about to fall off a cliff to their death (figuratively of course), and they just denied the help, and fell into the abyss.
I guess another question would be, is it even my responsibility to help?
It would appear obvious that I felt that way based on my aforementioned actions, but I guess I'm not sure. One important thing that I'll remember for some time was "We were friends for ten years, and that was great, but that's over now." Like a kick in the chest we were all of a sudden on two different planes, on two different levels, immiscible.