Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Higher Planes

We (We is defined later) content ourselves at such a primal mental level despite our technology. I mean, most people do. Finding that higher plane of consciousness and reorganizing priority is rare, I think. The drive to move forward in ways outside what our mind desires on the lowest levels.

Dependence leads to more dependence.

independence leads to more independence and eventually isolation at an extreme, but if one can attain a higher mental plane regarding independence one might be able to create some sort of medium that does well to satisfy a small part of the primal instinct but does well to do something else?

However if we do get to a presumed "higher level" there are some questions to ask:

What is our new purpose?
What now, becomes instinct?
Do normal human protocols and behavior still apply?
How do we now justify our actions? What are our actions geared towards? (question 1)
And the vague, Do we know any more about ourselves than we did previously?

I realize many more questions do apply to us, and I'll do my best to address more of them through my thinking.

Despite the incredibly esoteric introduction, I think that a majority of the population lives and thinks on a primal level. In animal behavior, we can see that animals need four basic things: Air, Water, Food, Shelter. However I would maintain that another large part of living, on an animalistic level, would be the desire to mate. This desire to mate develops animals as much more than creatures fighting to survive (to some extent). Rather, there is a very large world that erupts from the single desire of wanting to mate.

Upon writing that last clause, I've come to a realization that the way humans act the way they do, or at least one of the prime reasons humans are so different (in their behaviors, and maybe to some extent appearances) are not necessarily because of the environment (I'm referring to first world cultures), however they are so different because of the way they choose to interact with the opposite sex. There are several methods of interaction that can be seen between men and women, based on culture, age, and environment. I think that what I'd like to explore is the fact that we've created a complex culture based on an innate desire that inherently affects most of our actions, and what we can do to try to explore paths that would lead us to pursue a less innate desire to the extent that we've already pursued and innate primal desire. And also ask the question, is this even possible?

It would be beneficial for one to use the existence of another in order to forward their own cause, meaning that they have decided to do something great, or very difficult, to support or help someone else that they know. But the true test I think, is to do something beneficial for ones self, because of their own self. I find that becoming the reason for your own greatness is extremely difficult, and that's why we see so little of it in all parts of the earth. One can see several instances of greatness due to the fact of environmental features (necessity to get out of a dangerous place), also, due to parental figures "instilling" greatness in an individual by conditioning. Though it may seem that I am getting off track, its still apparent, that the higher mental plane, is not achieved by any of the individuals that have done something because of themselves, rather than features or people around them. An interesting question to investigate would be when one person begins to do something for themselves after they have left their own parental or environmental control. Another important thing to investigate would be whether or not these instances of greatness appear on a global scale. To be more clear, one could do something for themselves but not achieve as high as one who has been doing it for someone (or some other reason) else. I think the truly developed individual, who has reached the higher plane is one who has done something for themselves and achieved the highest echelon of greatness in their field, and continues to do so, and goes further whenever they approach their field.

It seems, from all of the above that it would be wisest to get in touch with those who have, by the terms I've defined, reached that upper echelon, and higher plane, however I can think of few who have achieved this. The only ones that come to mind (most likely because of my lack of knowledge regarding such people), is Michael Jordan, or Warren Buffet.

Friday, December 25, 2009

A Work in Progress

Theories of deep time space allocation
Hindering equinox of minutes past
inexorable circumstances blessed without gifts
trivial interventions of irrefutable intercalation

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Empty desire
Formulaic changes
Barrage of feathering
Simple solution
Equilibrium convocation

I'm not there.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Quick Application of Perspective

In the background: "Blue Eyes" - Cary Brothers.

I feel warm, uncomfortably numb. Useless. Been studying all day. Still wanting that one piece of me that's missing. Gave it some thought though, I'm not dying, in jail, or anything. I've really got nothing to worry about. Except for my education... I need a vacation. Finals is in full swing, and lucky for me I have so much yet to do its infuriating. I don't know if its because of the illness, but I've been depressed again. Slept for an incredible 13 hours last night for no reason. What do you do when life's kicking your ass?

I don't know. Keep plugging away, that's what the shiny optimist would say. You'll do great! Work hard! Yeah, okay, lets' do that!

I need a nap. Maybe caffeine? Lets try that option.

In other news, I leave back home for a week. Where I can come back to some possible familial stability. We'll see what happens, knowing how this week is going, I can look forward to a broken head due to finals. I don't understand how people can get by or justify themselves with average grades. I guess I should ask myself that question, I never prepare enough for the occasion at hand, and on the occasion that I do, I still get rocked. I don't know what this means, but it begs the question: Whats the point of studying?

Enter the Bi-Polar, the soft implication of yourself. Which side is right? Does it even matter? What does this have to do with becoming a doctor? Absolutely nothing, lets get that going. Here I come Standford Med. Its game time.

Monday, November 23, 2009


Sometimes, when I can't sleep at night, I write poetry about things around me, or things I'm thinking of. I think I come up with some pretty interesting stuff. It is dark to some extent though, at the very least, its negative. Thoughts?


Fire. Flavor. Function.
Entombed in hate.
Sterile field of wonder and hope.
Angered mobs, confusion.
Honest cause in a hardened soulless entity.
Where do your powers lie now, God?


Inflicted. Aggravated.
Its mass irrigates itself.
Shadow, undertones, realization.
A soothing calm wipes over the parasite’s beak.
Injection not necessary.
Compilation of confusion in a clean room.
A soft breath whispers its narcissistic cry.
Wounds make our lives worth living.


Sleek and shining in its metallic grace.
Cool and confident, calculating and compensating.
Its image will save the world, the portable cure.
The recklessness of the rich waste its potential,
those who can barely afford address the questions of the world through its alphabetical interface.
It is my tool.
I rearrange.
I manipulate, communicate and pontificate through this implement.
A triumvirate of glass human virtue.


If my life could speak for itself, where would my memory lie?
Who better than a slighted individual to evaluate its intermittent self?
Selfish in time. Hero of induced glory. Praised by the stupid. Closed off and negative.
Qualities that define me feign my existence.
I am a fresco.
My weathered surfaces will crumble, and my crevices will become more apparent.
Who better than I to evaluate my intermittent self.
Triangulating and small minded.
Poles and roles apparent in my step and seizure.
Who better than…
Who am I?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The desire to protect and serve the ones around you is a universal feeling for most humans, however I think an important question to know the answer of, or the important fact to be aware of is that not everyone actually wants your help. I think that a lot of people who try to help the ones around them are trying to help out the ones in trouble, rather than help out the ones doing better off than they are (in order to suck up to them). However I feel like a lot of don't want that help. Its depressing what pride does in some cases.

I think like pride defines us in a lot of ways, it shows self control, confidence, respect, among other positive virtues. However pride is also what constitutes the stubborn. I hate the stubborn. And for the record, this is very hypocritical, as I know myself that I am stubborn, but this isn't necessarily about me.

I just today recently spoke to a neighbor of mine who was a good friend for the longest time during my childhood. He, like almost everyone in suburbia has turned to weed and alcohol as an escape from, something. There are so many things it could, be, mediocrity, failure, lack of ambition. This kid wasn't normal to begin with. He was a prodigy in every sense of the word regarding sports and music. A great baseball player, and a self taught guitarist, pianist, and drummer. The potential he had had was palpable. Academics didn't seem to be a strong point for him, but it wasn't due to lack intelligence, it was lack of effort. Maybe school was boring, I'm not sure. But despite that setback, this guy was amazing, and we spent time hanging out daily, until I moved north across the river. I was 9, he was probably the same age. I transitioned into the new life pretty well. It was boring knowing no one and nothing. I rarely saw my friend anymore. It sucked, I wasn't happy. Never how he felt though, well I guess that's besides the point.

I've always had this impulse to be a helper to the people around me, both family and friends, more friends that family mostly. I'd first heard about a negative turn that my friend was taking a few years after I had moved away. It was shocking to me, but I didn't really make an effort to do anything about it. I was caught up in the newness that was my surroundings. Making new friends was also high on the agenda. And it wasn't obvious that those who had been left behind had any clear intention of staying in touch. If they had, one might expect a phone call, or something to that extent. After all it wasn't the dark ages. Be that as it was, a certain moving on occurred during this separation, and it never occurred to me during that time period that the dynamic, in any sort of way, would shift away from what it previously was. I guess I made the first manuever, as I created a competitive arena regarding academics, which was clearly not the focal point of the relationship prior to separation. Its interesting, I guess what was previously in place was a relationship purely based on hanging out and doing whatever came to mind, it was childish as ages warranted of course, but still, nothing that affected the future ever really came to mind or was discussed. Also, it seemed that physical prowess was more important than mental prowess, thereby making the domain of our connection more strongly favored towards his strengths than mine. Even so, with that being the case, one should take into account that the demeanor that we both held never was consciously, in my mind, holding one of us more dominating than the other.

Maybe that's the most important part of early friendships, where both of the individuals are equals, and they aren't old enough, generally, to create some sort of dominating effect relationship wise. Its funny though, cause we even consider such a relationship in which one is commanding over another, childish, when in effect, a relationship of such a nature could be quite the opposite. One could say that the more childish one is, the much more likely one is to have a dynamic where both parties are fair and equal. Maybe I was just lucky.

Be that as it may, the fact that such a shift occurred, was devastating. It hit me pretty hard, and it hurt. I felt like I was extending a helping hand to someone who was about to fall off a cliff to their death (figuratively of course), and they just denied the help, and fell into the abyss.

I guess another question would be, is it even my responsibility to help?

It would appear obvious that I felt that way based on my aforementioned actions, but I guess I'm not sure. One important thing that I'll remember for some time was "We were friends for ten years, and that was great, but that's over now." Like a kick in the chest we were all of a sudden on two different planes, on two different levels, immiscible.


Its nights like these that define us. Though the "us" is unclear, I'm not really sure who my audience is. I'm not sure ramblings of an over-thinking figurative embolism cater to a specific crowd. The machinations which define human instinct, to some extent may seem tortuous, as we feel like we're forced to do things that we cannot bring ourselves to do (even simple things, like asking someone out, working out, focusing on school work, etc). However, a quick aside, the mentioning of a definition of instinct in itself however seems to be inadequate, as human nature and instinct play with one another to such a great extent it would seem impossible to define instinct, or human nature in an full sense. Nevertheless, this night was filled with fatigue from a long week, and then inability to find what I want.

For the record, every human wants, however rarely needs. There are so many lenses that one can use to define their surroundings in accordance to wants and needs it becomes difficult to figure out which is right. The boundaries and lines that are drawn when we look at our lives are rarely objective, as they are so heavily clouded by experience, memory, and knowledge. Should we strive to even make them objective? Or does that take away from the intra-personal interaction we deal with daily, that defines us. I guess that's something to ponder, as I think we all know we can do better than what we are currently doing (in a broad sense of things).

In my case, I see the world currently, as my figurative wheels are turning, much like this blog, a work in progress. At least I'd like to say I do. Currently I'm plagued by the fact that I am awake at 2 AM on a Friday night after doing nothing but going to class, and work, and then spending time at my room being antisocial. Its very odd how that is. Or at least in my case, as I'm sure there are people who actually want to be alone and away from their peers. In my case, I seclude myself, and then come to the later complete realization (as it sits in the back of my mind without me noticing it), that I want to spend time with someone. At this point, with the information given, it would make sense that the obvious course of action would have been to go out and spend time with some other people, I had that choice too, but I chose not to take it. Maybe what I desire is someone who can break the lonely streak by me just hanging out with them. Someone who is who they are. To put things less complicatedly, a girlfriend.

I think loneliness can be described in a few ways: a starvation from basic human interaction (simple conversation, etc), a lack of physical contact, or a lack of emotional and mental stimulation. I'm sure there are many other ways to describe loneliness, however these seem to be pertinent.

I know it sounds like the incessant crooning of the adolescent teen (adolescent teen = redundant?). However I've had girlfriends before. None of them fit in any way at all, I never actually liked them. It was a physical victory that ended up in mental turmoil. Admitting this on paper feels healthy. Maybe its time for some music. As crazy as it seems, stating a problem, and the solution (being music), feels therapeutic, though not in a completely full sense, it occupies some of the hole that this thinking has brought about. As for the girlfriend, in an academic sense, not what I need at all...

PS I've been thinking a lot about getting out of my head lately. Seems ironic given the title of this page. I have no idea where to start though, drinking is just a temporary escape with no real accomplishments or victories. I should go workout.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


I haven't been sleeping on a humane cycle recently. I've been nocturnal, favoring the isolation that comes with it. However, burning the oil late at night and being alone and working on projects that pertain solely to me, essentially, working on myself has provided me with some interesting potential pathways. Through my midnight exploration of the internet I've found Google Sketch Up, essentially a pretty simple program that allows one to design their own projects, be them inventions pertaining to furniture, or even buildings. The concept is great, the fact that it is free is really great.

Anyways, now to the crux of the matter. I've developed a new appreciation for art. This could possibly be the broadest statement of the year, as art touches so many things, however now I feel like I've broadened my personal spectrum of art, essentially I have found new things to define art. Although I may seem a step behind many, I now feel like I can say that Movies are art. After watching Garden State between the hours of 4 and 6 am, I began to understand and see how movies are art in total. The movie, described an accurate representation of home. What is home? For me its the smallish town I grew up in. Its where the general population of adolescents and post-adolescents only have fun by doing drugs, drinking, and hanging out with one another. At least from what I can gather from suburban life, those activities are a hell of a lot more popular than hiking and exploring the out doors. The portrayal of the protagonist is featured sitting on a coach, while tumultuous drug activity occurs around him. It would seem that the main character succumbs to the atmosphere presented before him, taking a hit from a joint, and then popping a pill of ecstasy. As the world spins around him, he is lost in thought, activity going on at all sides, with him being a single anchor placed in what the camera makes appear the center of the room. It was at that point I realized that the scene before me was a very accurate portrayal of a suburban under aged drinking party, which is basically the use of drugs and alcohol in order (this is just a theory) to live like the rich and famous. This accuracy, was a point that made me buy into the film more, it made me trust the writer, director, and the creators of the film. It was very interesting to see how that moment effected my viewing of the rest of the film, I was determined to see it through. I think we as viewers of movies really overlook and don't read past what we see. Although its not necessarily that directors and writers are trying to reach the viewer from every possible method, it is very possible that they've selected a few features that help to connect to the viewer.

Garden State in my opinion, immediately after watching it, was a work of art. It was a funky piece of art. The adjective that came to mind was literally funky. The music developed the story as well, providing a different take on the scene, the application of alternative music to the story furthered some of the absurdness of the story. However, the absurdness of the movie really drew me in further, the characters felt real because they were so odd, it was like I had assumed that a character such as the friends of the protagonist (but not the protagonist) were real, because of their weird nature, and behavior. In one scene, a supporting character was featured playing a very technical song on the guitar, however that same character also dug graves for a living. This feature of a "has-been" was also something so testament to the suburban atmosphere. However, the music was inspiring, however stupid this sounds, after hearing Frou Frou's Let Go at the end of the movie, I wanted to clap out loud. Why? The song just seemed to be so perfect, and provided the feeling that the protagonist had finally achieved his goal of letting go through being with Natalie Portman (the main supporting actress). Selections of the Shins furthered the nature of certain scenes, such as the nueroscience clinic. The song, in my opinion is archaic, or gives me that feeling or vibe, definitely pertaining to the weirdness of Natalie Portman's character. The selection also allowed the protagonist to respond to such a different kind of music, one definitely far from pop, or the norm.

I feel like movies are at their best when they are really guiding the viewer, or inspiring thought. When the movie has hit home to the viewer, and touches them in a way that creates any sort of positive emotive or intellectual thought I think the creators have succeeded, and that includes the actors. I also feel like simplicity and prominence of actors is so important to a movie as well. One that is so simple like Garden State, and involves a lot of human behavior is something that is very interesting to me. Its trying to reach the reader's mind to try to inspire emotional and intellectual thought. Straying away from straight laughter or action or emotion is something that I feel is a field of film that is difficult, yet very very rewarding for the creator and viewer. But on the viewer, its important to pay attention and glean what you can, in order to get the most rewarding effect from the movie. It may seem like movies are a form of entertainment, which some can be characterized as, however ones that fall into the "Art" category really portray effort as a two way street, meaning its important for the viewer and the creator when they are in their respective elements.

Its now come to my attention I have one more roadblock. Film has become so interesting to me, that I now that I must splice it into the collection of careers I am fond of: Doctor, Scientist, Engineer, Businessman. I'm aware how diverse these fields are. I've always been quite the ambitious person, and although I rarely live up to my ambitions due to a solid degree in procrastination, I like to think that the endowment of freedom college has given me will allow me to explore and find a real focus.

Next to watch, Adventureland, and He's Just Not That Into You (its for a romantic comedy I'm working on)


You don't know me, I don't know you. But I still have something to offer you. Read this, and when you are through, see if you've grown too.

The world is young. I am young. The fact that I am placed in a position with almost endless possibility and unlimited potential baffles me. I often question the way I behave, the way I act, as these are reflective characteristics of who, what, where, and why one is. I often question it, my identity. How should I act? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be? What makes me, me? Maybe it would make sense now to make a spiritual pilgrimage to find myself and find god right now, even though I don’t really believe in that. I guess what I can say about myself is that I am someone who feels that I am capable of anything. I can become anyone, and do anything. This trait of mine affects things that are immediate more often than not. I feel like I only have temporary control over the person that I am, before I relapse into laziness. The relapse is the worse part, because if I’ve made any real progress into my own psyche, it can be lost and forgotten in a matter of hours. Right now I am thinking about the kid I just met in my chemistry lab. He is studying in the library. I was going to go with him, but I decided to go “go to bed early” tonight. What does that say about me? I’m still up, and I don’t know if I’ll go to bed anytime soon. Does it matter? I feel like that is the heart of the question. Who cares? Do I care? Yes a little, but only because of what’s been beaten into my brain, or at least taught to me through fear. But does he care? Probably not at all…

You see, when I was talking to this individual, I was taking on the role of an educated individual. I began the conversation as the “cool” kid, cursing my chemistry lab instructor for making me feel like an idiot, and not helping me when I asked for it. We began to walk towards his dorm, and talked about the chemistry test this morning, I was sure I got an A on it. He felt confident too. We began to pass the big field and walk towards CM, the dorm of the “cool” freshmen. This kid did not fit that design, by social adolescent standards. Anyways, the point of this story was that as I continued to talk to this individual, I morphed. I didn’t stay me, I “adapted” to the situation, as I like to call it. I began to recall all the facts and figures and information I would need to carry out a conversation with him. We talked about biology, both of us being pre-med students. We talked about teachers, and curriculum, about surgery and about opportunity, but stuck to the field of medicine. If I can whimsically change the person that I am, or the way that I behave, then what does that say about the person that I am? From my own personal history experience, “adapting” to a given situation, allowed one to avoid conflict. I for one, fear conflict. I don’t like fighting. However contradictory factors of my psyche intervene. I am an angry person for the most part.

I feel that all of these features of my being are not normal. They are not those of a normal person. Should they be normal? Maybe. That’s not necessarily the goal, however, I have an identity, I know that. But if I don’t know what it is, or when to behave in that manner, what good is it to me. What good is wearing masks in order to hide myself? Myself, from my experience is insane. I yell, scream, and make noises, and behave generally how a very annoying 6 year old acts. I also find that I have an incredible amount of energy. Pent up sexual energy? Probably. Method of expression: pure insanity. That being said, if someone were to read this without knowing me, they’d obviously be confused as to who I am, what my history is and why I am writing this in a fashion that is so vague. I would’ve added a witty comparison after “vague” but I couldn’t come up with anything to play the part. But back to the matter at hand, who am I? How does one determine this? I mentioned earlier going on a spiritual retreat into the mountains to find myself, and then tossed that idea aside. Finding out my primal self isn’t necessarily my problem. Finding a way to fit in, or to be able to interact with people, feels like the current problem. I want a home base to go back to. Currently I feel like a myriad of people, this probably isn’t true as there are only 3-4 people I can behave like, I’ve always felt that I should become a culmination of these people. But being everyone and everything doesn’t satisfy me, especially because I haven’t figured out how to do it. It might be incredibly arrogant for me to say that as well. But reflecting on the friends that I have here at college, as well as at home, and who I talk to, the spectrum is very, very broad, in terms of those who consider me a close friend as opposed to an acquaintances. It seems I’ve become lucky enough to become good friends with several of the cliques of my high school. I began that career as the boasting nerdy geek, eventually after finding the cool kids; I went to sit with them at their table daily, leaving behind two other kids I had befriended. I essentially decided that they were not good enough. After sitting down at that table and listening to these kids talk about their classes and being bored and worrying about what they thought about me, I would deposit my tray where it belonged and then go to my next class. It was exceptionally stupid. Why not be comfortable? To this day I have nothing to show for building relationships with those who I sat with. I didn’t even have classes with half of the kids at the table. Come to think of it, any of them. But then I feel like I can relate the idea of purpose (which could be anything)…

I just took a break to text someone back, and the train of intellectual effort has been wiped completely away from existence. I’ll try to pick up from where I left off. Building relationships to serve me in the future, in that time of my life was of little concern. Of my concern in those days was hanging out with the cool kids and being accepted by an organization that few could get into, let alone stay alive under. Although now I have a better understanding of the industry that is the “popular kids,” I still feel like it has gotten me nowhere. Back to the matter at hand, though, creating foundations (even though I didn’t do that by sitting with those kids) with others seems like an important part of friendship. But what if the goal is not necessarily friendship? Back to what was on my mind at that age. I was concerned with friends, (to an extent), schoolwork, and tennis. I played tennis often, and had become a hothead over it. School was an absolute must as I was determined to play the part of the “genius” kid. In one case, my name wasn’t even known; I was just referred to as, “smart kid.” The stigma, although perceivably negative (hence the word stigma) is what I desired by the end of my senior year. More on that later. Lets get back to what I was talking about. In the beginning. I feel like I should have a goal to become someone. I guess that I should be the everyone, the everyperson, the challenge is great. Maybe that’s why I am concerned. I don’t have confidence in a sole area; I do; however I am not content with that area. That’s why I worry and think about these issues. I am looking for the quick fix that will allow me to behave like this confident human being. But what’s there to be confident about if you have nothing to base the confidence on. I’ve read many times before that in order for one to regain one’s self confidence, one should create a list of things that they are good at, and read it aloud to themselves in order to regain a sense of self and to inspire oneself. To reflect. I’ve done that before, and it feels great. But the point is to move forward to achieve more afterwards. To maintain that self-confidence and go on to climb new mountains. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. All that I’ve done is just gotten confident and felt good, and then relapsed immediately. However hopefully through exploring this, I can develop the guts to actually do that.

Normally people write autobiographies when they are old, or memoirs after they have achieved something. However I feel like writing down what is going on in my head and analyzing it is just as interesting, as it is healthy for me, and hopefully it stimulates others to do the same thing. There are so many things that I can discuss through this medium of thinking on paper. What I generate is organically out of my brain. When I write it down and explore it, I get to reap the benefits of it, and learn about myself. But the problem is, will it stick. I have been blessed with ADD and Dyslexia, two syndromes I bestow upon myself, as I have been tested for neither one. I say blessed sarcastically. It seems that my whole being has been plagued by negative energy, self generated, and generated by other forces. But all of that has to change for me to achieve anything. Hating ones self is a great motivator to become a new person. But self-improvement that is healthy should come through a positive attitude and the ability to work with that attitude to achieve.

Life in Movie Form

Its been interesting writing movies and writing my TV show. After watching Garden State I felt very inspired. I put this together as a possible beginning to a movie. The following would be a narration about the main character who I have dubbed 'X' for the time being. Can you guess who 'X' is? ;)

I’ve seen the sun come up 4 times this week. I guess… I guess you could say I’m lazy. To tired to go to sleep. Spending nights awake, eyes burning into the 13” Macbook Pro I supposedly bought. Whenever I have a great idea or feel inspired, I just need to share it with someone, or I explode with physical and emotive energy, but it feels wasted, I’m always up when no one else is up. We all tend to lend ourselves to our lots in life. Inspiration creates determination. Following the course is something I’ve had trouble doing all my life, and it begins with a creation of my self within my mind.

(Scene of X sitting in a dorm room, staring into my computer. Flash to another scene of X sitting in the same position in a completely white room. No interaction with the computer, just staring at it with my hands on the keyboard. Camera revolves 90 degrees around X from left to right to show the sun rising in the dorm, similarly in the white room the same happens however it shows continuation of white)

Isolation is a position I can say that we often place ourselves in rather than being put there. Eyes open I am alone, I am separated, I am selected and silent.

(Cut to X waking up, Camera right in front of my face, rushing to get out of bed, a shot of the alarm clock can be seen 8:57am)

X: Fuck, I’m late.

(Quickly get dressed. Camera in ceiling, fast motion of X getting dressed)

I guess you could say I’ve been pretty tired lately (shots of X snoozing in class) I guess I feel pretty complacent about school. I can’t seem to figure out my passion, or the figurative slot I fall into.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Failurism and a Creative Explosion

Missed class today. Again. Only missed Calculus though, its my second strike before I fail the class due to absence. The reason? I can't sleep. When I do end up sleeping, its through class and through the day. Healthy? Productive? No. Its a vicious cycle. I feel complacent with school. It really makes me think, however about whats going on in my life. I want to be a pre-med student and go to medical school, but I don't know anymore that I have the drive. I don't know that I want to do anything with my life concerning professionalism at this point. Be that as it may, realizations often come in waves for me.

Living on my own has made me realize the potential to spend time on ones self, rather than on others. I remember devoting an exceptional amount of time back home "hanging out" with people and partying with them. Here I am the lone ranger. I have social interactions, but I eat, sleep, and spend most of my time, alone. I'm okay with it though. Its not something to be proud of, but it has allowed me to spend time on myself and divulge into my own creativity. As a result I came up with a couple ideas from websites, and while I'm here at college, I have access to several servers, and I can subsequently host my website for free. As well as that idea, I have also become attached to writing, not writing novels, or articles, but writing for TV.

TV is the ultimate story telling in my mind. How does one manage to compile, find actors, shoot edit, and altogether come up with a story that is supposed to last 12 and half hours, and have that be only one season? Obviously there are teams of writers, but the task itself seems incredibly consuming. I my self am still in the developing stages, and although I've developed a script I feel like there are so many branches and places I could go with my story that its just insanity. However, I have learned from watching TV shows and taking notes on what I liked and what I didn't like the power of these shows and their story telling. After watching the "Scrubs" pilot, I was very impressed, it was a solid combination of character development supplemented by several threads that could span into multiple episodes or even seasons. After watching that first episode I knew what real story telling was, but for my script, I wasn't sure how to apply it. After uncovering the story telling that is "Scrubs" I checked out "Always Sunny in Philadelphia" which was hilarious. The main difference between the two was that "Scrubs" is a medical show where as "Always Sunny in Philadelphia," quite frankly... Isn't. It seems that the viewer has to be much further roped in with story in order to accept the medical scene, especially because so few people are doctors. One could easily get the impression that the characters on the show that are doctors are on a higher plane because of their occupational status as doctors. However "Scrubs" immediately succinctly convinces the reader otherwise. The true power of the show was showing the viewer that the main character was just like them. This however was supplemented by the fact that the main character narrated the show, helping to develop a better connection and create a main point of focus for the viewer.

Regarding the show "Always Sunny in Philadelphia," the viewer (if it is part of the target audience, which seems to be later adolescents to adults in their 30s-40s) automatically can identify with the characters in the story. The show, unlike "Scrubs" draws the reader in primarily with laughs, to the point where they want to come back for more. "Always Sunny" deals with several ethical issues, but it does so in a way that is either poking fun at the issue, or continuing to make fun of its characters, and in a round about way, get back to poking more fun at the issue itself and what it may do to some people. While "Scrubs" is about a budding doctor, learning the ropes of a hospital and becoming his own person. "Scrubs" outlines immediately the flaws of each character, and is able to build on them through character developing stories. Another portion of "Scrubs" is the "philosophical endings" that occur in order to help the viewer take away from the stories, where as "Always Sunny" leaves the reader laughing, without necessarily teaching them anything.

However these are just two shows, and being that I've only watched the first few episodes of each, I have noticed that the shows have to exceptionally funny, or they have to have strong factors to keep the viewer engaged, namely Drama, in the case of "Scrubs." I'm going to check out "How I Met Your Mother," "30 Rock," and "The Office." I've seen all these shows before, but now its time to learn from them