Monday, November 23, 2009


Sometimes, when I can't sleep at night, I write poetry about things around me, or things I'm thinking of. I think I come up with some pretty interesting stuff. It is dark to some extent though, at the very least, its negative. Thoughts?


Fire. Flavor. Function.
Entombed in hate.
Sterile field of wonder and hope.
Angered mobs, confusion.
Honest cause in a hardened soulless entity.
Where do your powers lie now, God?


Inflicted. Aggravated.
Its mass irrigates itself.
Shadow, undertones, realization.
A soothing calm wipes over the parasite’s beak.
Injection not necessary.
Compilation of confusion in a clean room.
A soft breath whispers its narcissistic cry.
Wounds make our lives worth living.


Sleek and shining in its metallic grace.
Cool and confident, calculating and compensating.
Its image will save the world, the portable cure.
The recklessness of the rich waste its potential,
those who can barely afford address the questions of the world through its alphabetical interface.
It is my tool.
I rearrange.
I manipulate, communicate and pontificate through this implement.
A triumvirate of glass human virtue.


If my life could speak for itself, where would my memory lie?
Who better than a slighted individual to evaluate its intermittent self?
Selfish in time. Hero of induced glory. Praised by the stupid. Closed off and negative.
Qualities that define me feign my existence.
I am a fresco.
My weathered surfaces will crumble, and my crevices will become more apparent.
Who better than I to evaluate my intermittent self.
Triangulating and small minded.
Poles and roles apparent in my step and seizure.
Who better than…
Who am I?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The desire to protect and serve the ones around you is a universal feeling for most humans, however I think an important question to know the answer of, or the important fact to be aware of is that not everyone actually wants your help. I think that a lot of people who try to help the ones around them are trying to help out the ones in trouble, rather than help out the ones doing better off than they are (in order to suck up to them). However I feel like a lot of don't want that help. Its depressing what pride does in some cases.

I think like pride defines us in a lot of ways, it shows self control, confidence, respect, among other positive virtues. However pride is also what constitutes the stubborn. I hate the stubborn. And for the record, this is very hypocritical, as I know myself that I am stubborn, but this isn't necessarily about me.

I just today recently spoke to a neighbor of mine who was a good friend for the longest time during my childhood. He, like almost everyone in suburbia has turned to weed and alcohol as an escape from, something. There are so many things it could, be, mediocrity, failure, lack of ambition. This kid wasn't normal to begin with. He was a prodigy in every sense of the word regarding sports and music. A great baseball player, and a self taught guitarist, pianist, and drummer. The potential he had had was palpable. Academics didn't seem to be a strong point for him, but it wasn't due to lack intelligence, it was lack of effort. Maybe school was boring, I'm not sure. But despite that setback, this guy was amazing, and we spent time hanging out daily, until I moved north across the river. I was 9, he was probably the same age. I transitioned into the new life pretty well. It was boring knowing no one and nothing. I rarely saw my friend anymore. It sucked, I wasn't happy. Never how he felt though, well I guess that's besides the point.

I've always had this impulse to be a helper to the people around me, both family and friends, more friends that family mostly. I'd first heard about a negative turn that my friend was taking a few years after I had moved away. It was shocking to me, but I didn't really make an effort to do anything about it. I was caught up in the newness that was my surroundings. Making new friends was also high on the agenda. And it wasn't obvious that those who had been left behind had any clear intention of staying in touch. If they had, one might expect a phone call, or something to that extent. After all it wasn't the dark ages. Be that as it was, a certain moving on occurred during this separation, and it never occurred to me during that time period that the dynamic, in any sort of way, would shift away from what it previously was. I guess I made the first manuever, as I created a competitive arena regarding academics, which was clearly not the focal point of the relationship prior to separation. Its interesting, I guess what was previously in place was a relationship purely based on hanging out and doing whatever came to mind, it was childish as ages warranted of course, but still, nothing that affected the future ever really came to mind or was discussed. Also, it seemed that physical prowess was more important than mental prowess, thereby making the domain of our connection more strongly favored towards his strengths than mine. Even so, with that being the case, one should take into account that the demeanor that we both held never was consciously, in my mind, holding one of us more dominating than the other.

Maybe that's the most important part of early friendships, where both of the individuals are equals, and they aren't old enough, generally, to create some sort of dominating effect relationship wise. Its funny though, cause we even consider such a relationship in which one is commanding over another, childish, when in effect, a relationship of such a nature could be quite the opposite. One could say that the more childish one is, the much more likely one is to have a dynamic where both parties are fair and equal. Maybe I was just lucky.

Be that as it may, the fact that such a shift occurred, was devastating. It hit me pretty hard, and it hurt. I felt like I was extending a helping hand to someone who was about to fall off a cliff to their death (figuratively of course), and they just denied the help, and fell into the abyss.

I guess another question would be, is it even my responsibility to help?

It would appear obvious that I felt that way based on my aforementioned actions, but I guess I'm not sure. One important thing that I'll remember for some time was "We were friends for ten years, and that was great, but that's over now." Like a kick in the chest we were all of a sudden on two different planes, on two different levels, immiscible.


Its nights like these that define us. Though the "us" is unclear, I'm not really sure who my audience is. I'm not sure ramblings of an over-thinking figurative embolism cater to a specific crowd. The machinations which define human instinct, to some extent may seem tortuous, as we feel like we're forced to do things that we cannot bring ourselves to do (even simple things, like asking someone out, working out, focusing on school work, etc). However, a quick aside, the mentioning of a definition of instinct in itself however seems to be inadequate, as human nature and instinct play with one another to such a great extent it would seem impossible to define instinct, or human nature in an full sense. Nevertheless, this night was filled with fatigue from a long week, and then inability to find what I want.

For the record, every human wants, however rarely needs. There are so many lenses that one can use to define their surroundings in accordance to wants and needs it becomes difficult to figure out which is right. The boundaries and lines that are drawn when we look at our lives are rarely objective, as they are so heavily clouded by experience, memory, and knowledge. Should we strive to even make them objective? Or does that take away from the intra-personal interaction we deal with daily, that defines us. I guess that's something to ponder, as I think we all know we can do better than what we are currently doing (in a broad sense of things).

In my case, I see the world currently, as my figurative wheels are turning, much like this blog, a work in progress. At least I'd like to say I do. Currently I'm plagued by the fact that I am awake at 2 AM on a Friday night after doing nothing but going to class, and work, and then spending time at my room being antisocial. Its very odd how that is. Or at least in my case, as I'm sure there are people who actually want to be alone and away from their peers. In my case, I seclude myself, and then come to the later complete realization (as it sits in the back of my mind without me noticing it), that I want to spend time with someone. At this point, with the information given, it would make sense that the obvious course of action would have been to go out and spend time with some other people, I had that choice too, but I chose not to take it. Maybe what I desire is someone who can break the lonely streak by me just hanging out with them. Someone who is who they are. To put things less complicatedly, a girlfriend.

I think loneliness can be described in a few ways: a starvation from basic human interaction (simple conversation, etc), a lack of physical contact, or a lack of emotional and mental stimulation. I'm sure there are many other ways to describe loneliness, however these seem to be pertinent.

I know it sounds like the incessant crooning of the adolescent teen (adolescent teen = redundant?). However I've had girlfriends before. None of them fit in any way at all, I never actually liked them. It was a physical victory that ended up in mental turmoil. Admitting this on paper feels healthy. Maybe its time for some music. As crazy as it seems, stating a problem, and the solution (being music), feels therapeutic, though not in a completely full sense, it occupies some of the hole that this thinking has brought about. As for the girlfriend, in an academic sense, not what I need at all...

PS I've been thinking a lot about getting out of my head lately. Seems ironic given the title of this page. I have no idea where to start though, drinking is just a temporary escape with no real accomplishments or victories. I should go workout.