Saturday, November 7, 2009

The desire to protect and serve the ones around you is a universal feeling for most humans, however I think an important question to know the answer of, or the important fact to be aware of is that not everyone actually wants your help. I think that a lot of people who try to help the ones around them are trying to help out the ones in trouble, rather than help out the ones doing better off than they are (in order to suck up to them). However I feel like a lot of don't want that help. Its depressing what pride does in some cases.

I think like pride defines us in a lot of ways, it shows self control, confidence, respect, among other positive virtues. However pride is also what constitutes the stubborn. I hate the stubborn. And for the record, this is very hypocritical, as I know myself that I am stubborn, but this isn't necessarily about me.

I just today recently spoke to a neighbor of mine who was a good friend for the longest time during my childhood. He, like almost everyone in suburbia has turned to weed and alcohol as an escape from, something. There are so many things it could, be, mediocrity, failure, lack of ambition. This kid wasn't normal to begin with. He was a prodigy in every sense of the word regarding sports and music. A great baseball player, and a self taught guitarist, pianist, and drummer. The potential he had had was palpable. Academics didn't seem to be a strong point for him, but it wasn't due to lack intelligence, it was lack of effort. Maybe school was boring, I'm not sure. But despite that setback, this guy was amazing, and we spent time hanging out daily, until I moved north across the river. I was 9, he was probably the same age. I transitioned into the new life pretty well. It was boring knowing no one and nothing. I rarely saw my friend anymore. It sucked, I wasn't happy. Never how he felt though, well I guess that's besides the point.

I've always had this impulse to be a helper to the people around me, both family and friends, more friends that family mostly. I'd first heard about a negative turn that my friend was taking a few years after I had moved away. It was shocking to me, but I didn't really make an effort to do anything about it. I was caught up in the newness that was my surroundings. Making new friends was also high on the agenda. And it wasn't obvious that those who had been left behind had any clear intention of staying in touch. If they had, one might expect a phone call, or something to that extent. After all it wasn't the dark ages. Be that as it was, a certain moving on occurred during this separation, and it never occurred to me during that time period that the dynamic, in any sort of way, would shift away from what it previously was. I guess I made the first manuever, as I created a competitive arena regarding academics, which was clearly not the focal point of the relationship prior to separation. Its interesting, I guess what was previously in place was a relationship purely based on hanging out and doing whatever came to mind, it was childish as ages warranted of course, but still, nothing that affected the future ever really came to mind or was discussed. Also, it seemed that physical prowess was more important than mental prowess, thereby making the domain of our connection more strongly favored towards his strengths than mine. Even so, with that being the case, one should take into account that the demeanor that we both held never was consciously, in my mind, holding one of us more dominating than the other.

Maybe that's the most important part of early friendships, where both of the individuals are equals, and they aren't old enough, generally, to create some sort of dominating effect relationship wise. Its funny though, cause we even consider such a relationship in which one is commanding over another, childish, when in effect, a relationship of such a nature could be quite the opposite. One could say that the more childish one is, the much more likely one is to have a dynamic where both parties are fair and equal. Maybe I was just lucky.

Be that as it may, the fact that such a shift occurred, was devastating. It hit me pretty hard, and it hurt. I felt like I was extending a helping hand to someone who was about to fall off a cliff to their death (figuratively of course), and they just denied the help, and fell into the abyss.

I guess another question would be, is it even my responsibility to help?

It would appear obvious that I felt that way based on my aforementioned actions, but I guess I'm not sure. One important thing that I'll remember for some time was "We were friends for ten years, and that was great, but that's over now." Like a kick in the chest we were all of a sudden on two different planes, on two different levels, immiscible.

No comments:

Post a Comment