Sunday, October 11, 2009


You don't know me, I don't know you. But I still have something to offer you. Read this, and when you are through, see if you've grown too.

The world is young. I am young. The fact that I am placed in a position with almost endless possibility and unlimited potential baffles me. I often question the way I behave, the way I act, as these are reflective characteristics of who, what, where, and why one is. I often question it, my identity. How should I act? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be? What makes me, me? Maybe it would make sense now to make a spiritual pilgrimage to find myself and find god right now, even though I don’t really believe in that. I guess what I can say about myself is that I am someone who feels that I am capable of anything. I can become anyone, and do anything. This trait of mine affects things that are immediate more often than not. I feel like I only have temporary control over the person that I am, before I relapse into laziness. The relapse is the worse part, because if I’ve made any real progress into my own psyche, it can be lost and forgotten in a matter of hours. Right now I am thinking about the kid I just met in my chemistry lab. He is studying in the library. I was going to go with him, but I decided to go “go to bed early” tonight. What does that say about me? I’m still up, and I don’t know if I’ll go to bed anytime soon. Does it matter? I feel like that is the heart of the question. Who cares? Do I care? Yes a little, but only because of what’s been beaten into my brain, or at least taught to me through fear. But does he care? Probably not at all…

You see, when I was talking to this individual, I was taking on the role of an educated individual. I began the conversation as the “cool” kid, cursing my chemistry lab instructor for making me feel like an idiot, and not helping me when I asked for it. We began to walk towards his dorm, and talked about the chemistry test this morning, I was sure I got an A on it. He felt confident too. We began to pass the big field and walk towards CM, the dorm of the “cool” freshmen. This kid did not fit that design, by social adolescent standards. Anyways, the point of this story was that as I continued to talk to this individual, I morphed. I didn’t stay me, I “adapted” to the situation, as I like to call it. I began to recall all the facts and figures and information I would need to carry out a conversation with him. We talked about biology, both of us being pre-med students. We talked about teachers, and curriculum, about surgery and about opportunity, but stuck to the field of medicine. If I can whimsically change the person that I am, or the way that I behave, then what does that say about the person that I am? From my own personal history experience, “adapting” to a given situation, allowed one to avoid conflict. I for one, fear conflict. I don’t like fighting. However contradictory factors of my psyche intervene. I am an angry person for the most part.

I feel that all of these features of my being are not normal. They are not those of a normal person. Should they be normal? Maybe. That’s not necessarily the goal, however, I have an identity, I know that. But if I don’t know what it is, or when to behave in that manner, what good is it to me. What good is wearing masks in order to hide myself? Myself, from my experience is insane. I yell, scream, and make noises, and behave generally how a very annoying 6 year old acts. I also find that I have an incredible amount of energy. Pent up sexual energy? Probably. Method of expression: pure insanity. That being said, if someone were to read this without knowing me, they’d obviously be confused as to who I am, what my history is and why I am writing this in a fashion that is so vague. I would’ve added a witty comparison after “vague” but I couldn’t come up with anything to play the part. But back to the matter at hand, who am I? How does one determine this? I mentioned earlier going on a spiritual retreat into the mountains to find myself, and then tossed that idea aside. Finding out my primal self isn’t necessarily my problem. Finding a way to fit in, or to be able to interact with people, feels like the current problem. I want a home base to go back to. Currently I feel like a myriad of people, this probably isn’t true as there are only 3-4 people I can behave like, I’ve always felt that I should become a culmination of these people. But being everyone and everything doesn’t satisfy me, especially because I haven’t figured out how to do it. It might be incredibly arrogant for me to say that as well. But reflecting on the friends that I have here at college, as well as at home, and who I talk to, the spectrum is very, very broad, in terms of those who consider me a close friend as opposed to an acquaintances. It seems I’ve become lucky enough to become good friends with several of the cliques of my high school. I began that career as the boasting nerdy geek, eventually after finding the cool kids; I went to sit with them at their table daily, leaving behind two other kids I had befriended. I essentially decided that they were not good enough. After sitting down at that table and listening to these kids talk about their classes and being bored and worrying about what they thought about me, I would deposit my tray where it belonged and then go to my next class. It was exceptionally stupid. Why not be comfortable? To this day I have nothing to show for building relationships with those who I sat with. I didn’t even have classes with half of the kids at the table. Come to think of it, any of them. But then I feel like I can relate the idea of purpose (which could be anything)…

I just took a break to text someone back, and the train of intellectual effort has been wiped completely away from existence. I’ll try to pick up from where I left off. Building relationships to serve me in the future, in that time of my life was of little concern. Of my concern in those days was hanging out with the cool kids and being accepted by an organization that few could get into, let alone stay alive under. Although now I have a better understanding of the industry that is the “popular kids,” I still feel like it has gotten me nowhere. Back to the matter at hand, though, creating foundations (even though I didn’t do that by sitting with those kids) with others seems like an important part of friendship. But what if the goal is not necessarily friendship? Back to what was on my mind at that age. I was concerned with friends, (to an extent), schoolwork, and tennis. I played tennis often, and had become a hothead over it. School was an absolute must as I was determined to play the part of the “genius” kid. In one case, my name wasn’t even known; I was just referred to as, “smart kid.” The stigma, although perceivably negative (hence the word stigma) is what I desired by the end of my senior year. More on that later. Lets get back to what I was talking about. In the beginning. I feel like I should have a goal to become someone. I guess that I should be the everyone, the everyperson, the challenge is great. Maybe that’s why I am concerned. I don’t have confidence in a sole area; I do; however I am not content with that area. That’s why I worry and think about these issues. I am looking for the quick fix that will allow me to behave like this confident human being. But what’s there to be confident about if you have nothing to base the confidence on. I’ve read many times before that in order for one to regain one’s self confidence, one should create a list of things that they are good at, and read it aloud to themselves in order to regain a sense of self and to inspire oneself. To reflect. I’ve done that before, and it feels great. But the point is to move forward to achieve more afterwards. To maintain that self-confidence and go on to climb new mountains. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. All that I’ve done is just gotten confident and felt good, and then relapsed immediately. However hopefully through exploring this, I can develop the guts to actually do that.

Normally people write autobiographies when they are old, or memoirs after they have achieved something. However I feel like writing down what is going on in my head and analyzing it is just as interesting, as it is healthy for me, and hopefully it stimulates others to do the same thing. There are so many things that I can discuss through this medium of thinking on paper. What I generate is organically out of my brain. When I write it down and explore it, I get to reap the benefits of it, and learn about myself. But the problem is, will it stick. I have been blessed with ADD and Dyslexia, two syndromes I bestow upon myself, as I have been tested for neither one. I say blessed sarcastically. It seems that my whole being has been plagued by negative energy, self generated, and generated by other forces. But all of that has to change for me to achieve anything. Hating ones self is a great motivator to become a new person. But self-improvement that is healthy should come through a positive attitude and the ability to work with that attitude to achieve.

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