Saturday, November 7, 2009


Its nights like these that define us. Though the "us" is unclear, I'm not really sure who my audience is. I'm not sure ramblings of an over-thinking figurative embolism cater to a specific crowd. The machinations which define human instinct, to some extent may seem tortuous, as we feel like we're forced to do things that we cannot bring ourselves to do (even simple things, like asking someone out, working out, focusing on school work, etc). However, a quick aside, the mentioning of a definition of instinct in itself however seems to be inadequate, as human nature and instinct play with one another to such a great extent it would seem impossible to define instinct, or human nature in an full sense. Nevertheless, this night was filled with fatigue from a long week, and then inability to find what I want.

For the record, every human wants, however rarely needs. There are so many lenses that one can use to define their surroundings in accordance to wants and needs it becomes difficult to figure out which is right. The boundaries and lines that are drawn when we look at our lives are rarely objective, as they are so heavily clouded by experience, memory, and knowledge. Should we strive to even make them objective? Or does that take away from the intra-personal interaction we deal with daily, that defines us. I guess that's something to ponder, as I think we all know we can do better than what we are currently doing (in a broad sense of things).

In my case, I see the world currently, as my figurative wheels are turning, much like this blog, a work in progress. At least I'd like to say I do. Currently I'm plagued by the fact that I am awake at 2 AM on a Friday night after doing nothing but going to class, and work, and then spending time at my room being antisocial. Its very odd how that is. Or at least in my case, as I'm sure there are people who actually want to be alone and away from their peers. In my case, I seclude myself, and then come to the later complete realization (as it sits in the back of my mind without me noticing it), that I want to spend time with someone. At this point, with the information given, it would make sense that the obvious course of action would have been to go out and spend time with some other people, I had that choice too, but I chose not to take it. Maybe what I desire is someone who can break the lonely streak by me just hanging out with them. Someone who is who they are. To put things less complicatedly, a girlfriend.

I think loneliness can be described in a few ways: a starvation from basic human interaction (simple conversation, etc), a lack of physical contact, or a lack of emotional and mental stimulation. I'm sure there are many other ways to describe loneliness, however these seem to be pertinent.

I know it sounds like the incessant crooning of the adolescent teen (adolescent teen = redundant?). However I've had girlfriends before. None of them fit in any way at all, I never actually liked them. It was a physical victory that ended up in mental turmoil. Admitting this on paper feels healthy. Maybe its time for some music. As crazy as it seems, stating a problem, and the solution (being music), feels therapeutic, though not in a completely full sense, it occupies some of the hole that this thinking has brought about. As for the girlfriend, in an academic sense, not what I need at all...

PS I've been thinking a lot about getting out of my head lately. Seems ironic given the title of this page. I have no idea where to start though, drinking is just a temporary escape with no real accomplishments or victories. I should go workout.

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